Caught national news lately? Happen to notice that Colorado got hit with a blizzard yesterday? Yup, Colorado’s Whiplash Weather. A lovely 79 degrees on Sunday, 15 inches of snow yesterday. I wish I was making this up. That much snow means only one thing: SNOW DAY!!!!! Kids out of school, stranded at home. We still haven’t shoveled the driveway; yesterday it was too cold and windy/pointless and we just haven’t gottten to it today. We=Tom and the boys. I have sons. I don’t shovel. The sun is out today, but guess what? SNOW DAY!!!!! Yup, a district that rarely calls snow days called two in a row. The last two days before spring break. Next week the boys are out of school, something I was not exactly looking forward to. Adding two surprise days to the front end…gah.
Am I the only mom on the planet who…no, bad phrasing. I envy the moms who want their kids out of school. The moms who enjoy having their kids around, who make muffins on snow days because it’s tradition. Who can’t wait for school to get out in the summer not because it means the homework wars are on hiatus for a few months, but because they like having their kids around. It makes me so sad to know that I’m not that mom. I love my sons so much, but they’re exhausting. Everything is an opportunity for argument or negotiation. Time spent together isn’t refreshing and fun, it’s nerve-wracking. The boys are best friends…and play and fight like it. I don’t get it. I wanted so much to be a mom, and now I just feel like hiding from my children most days. This afternoon I’m signing them up for summer camps at the Y. Not necessarily because I’m going to be working all summer, but because I can’t entertain them all summer. I’m not that good of a mom. And that makes me so sad.
I know this is a pity party, table for one, but it’s been a long few weeks. First I was sick, then J got sick/well/sick again, snow days, spring break…but these are thoughts that have been trickling through my brain for awhile. I’m tired of arguments, I’m tired of my sons embarrassing me (example: wanting to do an after-school activity then after I get involved as the head volunteer, having a lose-his-shit-apalooza out in the hall. Or wanting to take violin lessons, then getting to lessons and refusing to participate.), I’m tired of researching twice-exceptionalities and what to do next. I’m tired of feeding J every 20 minutes because he has the stomach the size of an acorn. I’m tired of being bounced off of, I’m tired of tripping over the dog, I’m tired of being “base” in indoor tag games. And then a friend mentioned that there are something like 30 days of actual school left. I may have thrown up a little in my mouth.
Enough. My hold on sanity is loosening, unraveling like a cheap shoelace. I need to wrap it tight, before summer gets here, or it’s going to be a longer than usual break. I miss looking forward to breaks and snow days, but nowadays, they just mean more stress and sadness for me. Pathetic.
Kinda like this post.