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Mar 27 2009

A tenuous hold on sanity

Caught national news lately? Happen to notice that Colorado got hit with a blizzard yesterday? Yup, Colorado’s Whiplash Weather. A lovely 79 degrees on Sunday, 15 inches of snow yesterday. I wish I was making this up. That much snow means only one thing: SNOW DAY!!!!! Kids out of school, stranded at home. We still haven’t shoveled the driveway; yesterday it was too cold and windy/pointless and we just haven’t gottten to it today. We=Tom and the boys. I have sons. I don’t shovel. The sun is out today, but guess what? SNOW DAY!!!!! Yup, a district that rarely calls snow days called two in a row. The last two days before spring break. Next week the boys are out of school, something I was not exactly looking forward to. Adding two surprise days to the front end…gah.

Am I the only mom on the planet who…no, bad phrasing. I envy the moms who want their kids out of school. The moms who enjoy having their kids around, who make muffins on snow days because it’s tradition. Who can’t wait for school to get out in the summer not because it means the homework wars are on hiatus for a few months, but because they like having their kids around. It makes me so sad to know that I’m not that mom. I love my sons so much, but they’re exhausting. Everything is an opportunity for argument or negotiation. Time spent together isn’t refreshing and fun, it’s nerve-wracking. The boys are best friends…and play and fight like it. I don’t get it. I wanted so much to be a mom, and now I just feel like hiding from my children most days. This afternoon I’m signing them up for summer camps at the Y. Not necessarily because I’m going to be working all summer, but because I can’t entertain them all summer. I’m not that good of a mom. And that makes me so sad.

I know this is a pity party, table for one, but it’s been a long few weeks. First I was sick, then J got sick/well/sick again, snow days, spring break…but these are thoughts that have been trickling through my brain for awhile. I’m tired of arguments, I’m tired of my sons embarrassing me (example: wanting to do an after-school activity then after I get involved as the head volunteer, having a lose-his-shit-apalooza out in the hall. Or wanting to take violin lessons, then getting to lessons and refusing to participate.), I’m tired of researching twice-exceptionalities and what to do next. I’m tired of feeding J every 20 minutes because he has the stomach the size of an acorn. I’m tired of being bounced off of, I’m tired of tripping over the dog, I’m tired of being “base” in indoor tag games. And then a friend mentioned that there are something like 30 days of actual school left. I may have thrown up a little in my mouth.

Enough. My hold on sanity is loosening, unraveling like a cheap shoelace. I need to wrap it tight, before summer gets here, or it’s going to be a longer than usual break. I miss looking forward to breaks and snow days, but nowadays, they just mean more stress and sadness for me. Pathetic.

Kinda like this post.

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6 comments

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  1. cms8741

    That image of you being “base.” UGH. I can totally picture it.

    I have met the moms of whom you talk — the ones who get excited to have their kids home. I’m always kind of in disbelief (is this a front? are they serious?)– we are living in two different worlds.

  2. kate

    Jen I am so inviting myself to your pity party! Ditto, ditto and exactly. Motherhood is hard, stay-at-home motherhood has a whole different list of hard. (no judgements, just that when the kids are at school or day-care someone else gets to deal with the hard while Mom gets a small hiatus- just like Moms who work out of the house have a whole other list of hard- okay, bases covered, done now)

    It’s the end of a long winter- mild or not. I felt the same way last year only the feeling never went away when summer came, happy pills came to my rescue last fall. I’m waiting for days of sun to wake me up from this winter’s blahs.

    BTW keep your damn ass cold weather to yourself will ya? We’re trying to get on with Spring over here in IL!

  3. ChiTown Girl

    I feel ya, Sista! I guess I don’t personally feel that way, but that’s because I only have ONE child, so there’s no fighting to deal with, and for the most part, he’s always been pretty happy to entertain himself. I do, however, understand completely what you’re talking about. Sadly, I usually feel like that about my “other” 24 kids. Sad, right? They kids didn’t have school today, and I couldn’t have been happier! There are only 4 days of school left before spring break. I realize my feelings are the exact opposite of what you described (not being about to wait for days off) but it’s not because I can’t wait to be home with my child, necessarily. It’s more because I can get the hell away from other people’s kids!! Yeah, you can send in my Teacher of the Year nomination right now….

  4. Denise

    Luckily we got to head out of town for a few days. Gosh if we were only teaching to appreciate those 2 days off before break, that would have been a dream come true, amazing how things change!

  5. Karin

    *hugs*

  6. Robin

    Jen, when is the last time you and Tom had some time away together, just the two of you?

    Any chance of prevailing upon the grandparents this spring break, at least for a night or two? (Says she who’s got the grandparents coming for two weeks next week and still didn’t manage to find a night or two to go away, but who could really really REALLY use it…)

    ((hug))

    PS It’s 12:15pm here – that’s late enough to crack open a bottle of something, right?

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