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Dec 17 2014

There’s a laugh around here somewhere

There's a laugh around here somewhereI don’t think I have seen the sun in over a week. Winter in Chicago has arrived. Incessant gloom and chill and dark and please tell me the sun is visiting you, wherever you are. My Happy Lamp is on ten hours a day and not touching the melancholy, I’m pounding hot tea to keep my sanity (coffee is again off limits because my stomach threatened a violent coup), and those Christmas cookies aren’t going to binge eat themselves.

Yes, I believe I do have a touch of the depression. Maybe slightly more than just a touch. Perhaps a full body slam into the boards.

So a little something to increase cheer and turn that frown upside down (I hate that phrase, no idea why I just used it). I found some old notes, mainly of things the boys have said in recent months, and some of them were so off-kilter hysterical they require sharing and I’ll deal with the inevitable “Mooooommmmmm!!!!” later. Identities are concealed to protect the innocent.

….

“Why does my saliva not bounce around in my mouth when I’m bouncing on this ball?”

“<smacks his lips> Mmmm…saliva. Water on-the-go.”

….

Me: You and your brother needs dress pants for Easter services.
Him: We have pants!
Me: They don’t fit, they’re too small.
Him: The tighter the pants, the closer you are to God.
Me: ….

….

Me: I can’t keep up. I don’t know where you’re coming up with this.
Him: My hippocampus.

….
Me: You’re not going to wear tight pants to church.
Him: Why not?
Me: No one wants to see the outline of your butt. I’m your mother and I don’t want to see it.
Him: Who wouldn’t want to see my butt? It’s not all about you! Think about the others!

….

Him: Stubby tailed dogs always tell the truth.
Me: Huh?
Him: They don’t have tall tales.

….

Thirsty, and looking in the fridge:
Him: “Mom? Can I have an Alan Turing?”
Me: “…???…Do you mean an Arnold Palmer?”

….

“Mom? Can you milk a horse? Oh! You know what would be great? Pig milk! Liquid bacon!”

….

Him: Mom, what are flavored condoms?
Me: (why in hell do I get these questions when Tom is not here?) They’re condoms. In flavors.
Him: But why? Penises don’t have tongues.
Me: (I deserve a bloody medal) But their partners do.
Him: …..

(Welcome, creepy google searchers. Go away now, nothing to see here.)

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  1. qH

    “Penises don’t have tongues.” Oh, God. Love it. Also, “Think of the others!”

    kH recently got the “did you put your penis in Mom’s vagina?” question and totally punted, “We will discuss this when you’re older.” I think when I get the question I’m going to say, “Go ask your father; he’s the nurse. I’ll just tell you if it was legal or not.”
    qH recently posted…How I’m managing Christmas stress this winterMy Profile

    1. Jen

      Somehow only I get these questions. I don’t know why, but c’mon! I don’t even have the parts in question! And god help me, I don’t even know what the 10 year old has learned from his older brother and don’t even remotely have the energy to tease out.

      1. jenmarten

        When I taught 5th grade in Texas, there were no male teachers in the building. I was the lucky one who got to teach Growth and Development to 5th grade boys. Oh, the questions I was asked and the quick on my feet answers I gave. I could write a book!
        jenmarten recently posted…Teachable MomentsMy Profile

        1. Jen

          Oh holy crap, I bet. Or at least a blog post? 😉

  2. Chris

    That was awesome, I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired or that they were just that funny but I was laughing through every one. The things kids come up with. I need to write more of my daughters comments down for a fun read later, that’s an awesome idea.

  3. Caitie

    It’s a grey day here in New England and I’m sitting here with my coffee (sorry!) and happy lamp. After reading this, I’m laughing. Thank you.
    Caitie recently posted…Tonight we had a party for a doll (and encouraged imagination)My Profile

  4. Jaci

    After reading this post I’ve decided that I’m parenting your son in younger form in some alternate universe and I’m scared at what comes next! lol This is the kind of stuff my youngest son comes up with on a daily basis! He’s 5, gifted and probably ADD but who has time for labels?! Especially when he’s such a behavior problem and I’m also dealing with a newborn and an older special needs kiddo? Thanks for the glimpse into the future and the laugh but ya’ got any behavior posts or advice you can send my way?

    1. Jen

      Um…wine by the box? 😉

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