Yes, hello. I am here to scream into the abyss.
Sorry ma’am, abyss is closed for maintenance.
Uh, I paid for unlimited access, no restrictions whatsoever. The super duper ultimate no-holds-barred, I raised two G2e kids, I’m the gooey center of the sandwich generation, constant midlife crisis, the world is fucking ending, perimenopause can go consume a satchel of Richards, full open bar 24/7/365(6) access. Get the hell outta my way, I have an abyss to fill.
As I said, the abyss is currently down for unscheduled maintenance. You see, it’s been getting quite a bit of traffic lately. Caravans of midlife women in full Mrs. Roper garb have been showing up with martinis and throat lozenges. Teachers have moved in, rocking to and fro under rock ledges as they howl. Earplugs can’t keep up. Our staff is on an emergency rotation to protect their ears and sanity…or what’s left of it. You don’t stay sane long, working the abyss.
I thought the abyss was soundproof!
So did we! But the screams filling it lately have come from the most primal center of souls. I’ve never heard anything like it. Screamers arrive and it’s as though they’re living in the depths of hell, wailing for release. It’s caused some major damage to the abyss.
We’re all living in the depths of hell these days, my dude.
Evidently. So the abyss needs the equivalent of a full-blown roto-rooter enema. A complete flush with deep scrubbing, followed by a clay mask and an entire barrier relief protocol. That’s a new procedure from a Korean skincare company branching out into abyss care. Should help keep the abyss from getting so congested and impacted. Then we need to scaffold the shit outta the place, bring it up to code, and given its infinite size, we don’t have an eta for completion.
Well. Fuck. What about the void? I could swan dive into the void and do a little screaming there.
Sadly, the void is full. Never, in all my years here (and I’ve been here for all eternity), has the void filled. If you stripped down and greased up, you might squeeze into a spot beneath someone’s left tit, but no promises. And there’s sure as hell no room for any screaming – at best a few quiet whimpers. Oh, and there is zero fresh air in there, it truly reeks of cabbage farts, so whimper at your own risk.
So you mean to tell me that I have an exclusive pass to not a goddamned thing here? I have some screaming to let loose, I’m sick to death of this life, and I need some void time. What the hell can you offer me? I’m desperate here.
Hmmm…may I suggest the Chasm of Concern? You could register a complaint.
That’s it? May I suggest where you can stick that suggestion?
O-kayyy…The Pit is open, you’re eligible, but I must warn you, it comes with a price.
I’ve already paid for an all-access pass to places that aren’t available, I’m sure as hell not paying more.
The price is that all wails and screams and gnashing of teeth in The Pit are recorded and used to train our newest AI system.
Are.You.Fucking.Kidding.Me?
AbyssAI will take your input and do something with it. Something very special, so special we can’t tell you. But we’re sure you’ll love it. We know you’ll love it. You will have no choice but to love it.
Right. I’m out. Looks like it’s gummies and screaming into throw pillows tonight. Kindly take your AbyssAI and shove it where the sun don’t shine, and contact me when the abyss and void are again available. In the meantime, all y’all can <redacted> and <heavily redacted> and <my god redact redact redact>.
Of course, ma’am, have a lovely day!
