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How to survive a Chicago winter polar vortex without losing your mind
How to survive a Chicago winter polar vortex without losing your mind

How to survive a Chicago winter polar vortex without losing your mind

how to survive a Chicago winter polar vortexOh, who am I kidding? My mind is half gone on any given day, and now that I’ve been imprisoned by the PolarVortexPocalypse it’s toast. I haven’t set foot outside the house in roughly 72 hours, the boys even longer. Guess what level of Cabin Fever we’ve reached. If you reckoned the Seventh Circle of Hell, you’d be close. I estimate we’ll be there by 4 this afternoon, and as that is close enough to wine o’clock to not be an embarrassment to society, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Thank god school is back on tomorrow; a two week break with two unexpected too cold to live snow days is a bit much to take.

So how have I stayed this side of batshit crazy and not ended up as a news story warning to other parents? Simple! (No, not really).

  1. Build a fire. Run out of firewood. Drink wine.
  2. Do laundry. Stop because the dryer is so cold from the outdoor temperatures that it won’t run. Take the basket of now frozen solid towels and set in front of the rapidly dying fire to thaw. Drink wine.
  3. Start to make chocolate chip cookies. Notice you’re out of chocolate chips. Drink wine.
  4. Curse the fact you have a dog every time you let her out to do her business. Watch to see if she aligns herself with the earth’s magnetic field (no). Watch as she eats her own steaming poop off the shoveled driveway. Drink wine.
  5. Realize that you know a lot of smug jackasses in warm locales who thrive on posting pictures of themselves in shorts on green lawns during a Chicago PolarVortexPocalypse. Drink wine.
  6. Finally get the wifi router set up so you can turn off wifi access to the boys’ devices as necessary without interrupting service to the adults in the home. Strictly enforce a 90 minute wifi-access rule. Realize that was the craziest damned thing you could have done at the tail end of the longest and coldest winter break in recent memory. Drink wine.
  7. Learn the new part time job will probably start a month earlier than expected. While awesome news, look around at everything that you wanted/needed to get accomplished before the original start date and feel your organs baste in tasty, tasty cortisol. Drink wine.

Yes, all true. Today I am braving the elements to enjoy a previously scheduled massage, which should take care of the sexy Stress Hump my shoulders are sporting. There will also be a store run for chocolate chips, firewood, and wine.

It’s been a long two and a half weeks of family togetherness.


Note: wine consumption may or may not have been exaggerated for effect.


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