where wildly different is perfectly normal
I gotta cheer up, I’m depressing myself
I gotta cheer up, I’m depressing myself

I gotta cheer up, I’m depressing myself

I just realized that I’ve been sitting in front of a computer all day. No, not just all day, but all day. Worked today, came home and jumped on the laptop to try to clear out some of the piles on my desk. Digital files, physical piles, they’re all piles that sit on my psyche and chew until there are enough holes that my brain falls out. And I’ll do it again tomorrow, in the vain hope that maybe someday I’ll be caught up. Whatever that is.

While I hate to admit it, I’m a coronary waiting to happen. I’m 99% desk-chair potato, my stress levels are…wrong, and I drink entirely too much caffeine. I haven’t been to the gym in nearly a year and I feel it. I feel old and sludgy and like something stuck to the bottom of a shoe. Something unpleasant.

By the way, if another person tells me I look tired I’m a’gonna snap. I’m not tired (though I am), I’m worried. What you see etched on my face is raw, unfiltered worry. It has left a permanent “11” between my brows, and if I don’t get some highlights soon the grays will suddenly realize no one is watching and take my head hostage.

I’ve written off 2011. It’s not going to get any better and I just pray it doesn’t get any worse. Sound pessimistic? Um. Yeah. A bit. But I figure if I just expect the next six or so weeks to continue to suck, then I won’t be disappointed when they do. The jury is still out on whether I’ll give 2012 a chance or not. I’m eyeing it warily. Not sure I trust it yet.

Um. Wow. Just read all that and saw how Debbie Downer it is. Just a little cranky. From sitting on my ass all day. Not a lot of endorphins in a desk chair.

It’s just…been a hard year, after two years that were so difficult I still can’t believe we made it through them intact. I’m tired of hard, hard years. I need a simply challenging year, maybe just a tough year. Enough with the hard, hard years. There are a few tiny pinpricks of light struggling to get through the heavy clouds, and I just pray they stay strong and continue to grow.

In the meantime, however, I will continue to sit on my rapidly spreading bottom half and…figure something out.

No, I haven’t seen the sun in several days. How’d you guess?


  1. Oh Jen, how I can relate. Except instead of dealing with my digital and literal piles, I’ve simply avoided them in the fervent hope that they will spontaneously dissipate. I’ve been off the laptop (and off my reader, not to mention my blog) since I got one of them thar new-fangled smart phones and ignoring everything.

    And, hard years–I have endured them the last couple of years too. Trying to keep optimistic about 2012, but I said to my hub last night–if things actually DO turn around in 2012 and then we have armageddon, I’m going to be *pissed*!

    Hang in there. The one thing I did that has made me miss the sun less is get a couple of full-spectrum lights. The difference for me, living here in dark old New England, has been notable. Amazing, even. Get one and put it on your desk.

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