where wildly different is perfectly normal
Next up on the House of Chaos channel!
Next up on the House of Chaos channel!

Next up on the House of Chaos channel!

Welcome to the newest audience-participation gameshow, Why is Jen Face-First in a Bottle of Shiraz? It’s the newest game, where the audience gets to guess just why Jen is cradling her favorite wine glass (you don’t have a fave? shut up) and adding more head-shaped dents to the ones already in her desk. Is everyone ready? Here we go!

You, over there in the corner. What’s your guess?

“Is Jen still recovering from A’s “lose-his-shit-apalooza” of yesterday?

Good guess, but the wine from last night pretty much handled that little episode. Especially when combined with Green and Black’s Hazelnut and Current Chocolate. You, a few rows back, what do you suppose?

“I think it was J’s first experience with a ginormous splinter and resulting freak-out this morning.”

Nice try, but remember that Jen is an experienced mom. If it’s not blood, bones, or fire, it’s handled with nary an eyebrow raise. Over there, have a guess?

“Ooh, I know! It was Rosie’s “kling-on” that Jen noticed had been wiped onto her couch!”

Thank you so much for making all of us throw up a little in our mouths. Now we all need wine. No, Jen just went and got the Bac-Out and got it cleaned up. Really, audience, this is the best you can do? This is Jen’s day, every day. You, there, laughing with not a care in the world.

“Jen sat on her ass all day working on her computer answering every.single.email. in her inbox, turned around, and there were a bunch new ones! And she ordered 377 photos from Shutterfly after ensuring that they all had the correct descriptor on the back! And met with an insurance agent! Now she just wants to kick back and take it easy tonight.”

Ooh, good try. Going for the “life was so easy today that kicking back to celebrate sounds fiiine.” No. One more…you, the one in the corner, rocking and clutching a wine bottle and muttering to yourself. You look like you might have a reasonable guess!

“The boy…the boy…he’s going to be the death of me. Little shit left school and went to a friend’s house without telling us. I called the school, they couldn’t find him. Husband ran around the neighborhood, he couldn’t find him. I was minutes from calling the police when he called. (incomprehensible mumbling) (big gulp from bottle) At my wits’ end. Can’t take much more. Everyone lied. Everyone lied. (more mumbling) They said it would get easier as he got older. They lied. Where’s the fucking chocolate?”

DingDingDingDing!!!!! We have a winner! Granted, it’s Jen herself, but given that the Grand Prize was a case of wine, we’re not going to argue. We…we don’t want to get between Jen and wine on a day such as this. Thanks to everyone for playing today, on the new gameshow Why is Jen Face-First in a Bottle of Shiraz? See you all next time!!!


  1. RC

    My little sister pulled the “great escape” on my mom after a day at kindergarten. I was all of 9 or 10 when she pulled this and I still remember my mom’s reaction to her missing – yeah, she was that freaked out.

  2. He cut out of school?!? At his age?!? Even I, problem teenager extraordinair, waited a few more years before pulling that kind of shit.

    You are so screwed my friend…

    (Note to self: this would be a great time to invest in wine stocks.)

  3. OMG! Mine haven’t pulled that one yet, but one did go to sleep behind the bookcase one day and I couldn’t find him for three hours. Because who would sleep behind a bookcase, right?

    Anyway, ground him until he is thirty. At least. And drink well my friend. 🙂 Hang in there…

  4. I swear this happened yesterday:

    CM phone rings – CM does not recognize incoming number

    CM: Hello
    Gameboy: Hi Mom!
    CM: (warily) Hi
    Gameboy: You don’t mind if I go to Franks today do you?
    CM: Ummmmmm
    CM: You’re already there aren’t you?
    Gameboy: Would that make you mad?

    No – it does not get better
    Yes – they continue to astound & stupify
    No – Wine does not get cheaper
    Yes – eventually they are no longer your legal responsibility

Whaddya think?

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