This week I’m learning…again…that if I don’t take care of myself, that if I burn the candle at both ends with a blowtorch to the middle, that I will flame out and end up on the couch. My couch is comfy and all, but I’ve been holding it to the floor since yesterday afternoon and I’m a little sick of it now. Tom has been sick for the last two weeks, my system has probably been busy keeping that crap at bay, and finally the stress of recent events just crashed me. Again. This is, by my best guess, at least the third time I’ve done this to myself. Not as bad as other times, but still.
Irony alert: my next book is on the needs of parents as they raise G2e kids, and how self-care must be a priority. Double irony: I’ve been so busy keeping plates spinning on everything around here that I’ve done close to jack squat diddly on that book. This is not tasty, tasty irony. This is sour and bitter irony and I’m not a fan.
Yes, pity party, table for one. Skip the bread basket, send over the sommelier.
I’m actively working on clearly things out of my life that no longer serve me and my family, and bringing in that that does. I wish it were easier, but I’m balancing the well-being of four people here, not just mine. It’d be super easy to balance everything if it were just me, and didn’t have to consider the effect of my decisions on others. That’s the truth for any mom, whether she likes to admit it or not. The trick is to not lose yourself while balancing for everyone. I’m very good at doing that.
This flailing back and forth between being totally on top of my shit and wanting to do more and doing too much and losing my shit has got to stop. Burning out is painful and a waste of time. I’d say energy, but I just don’t have any to spare, it is gone. Fumes. Nothing here. I gotta balance it out and not feel guilty when I take breaks and care for myself, or my body will do it for me at a most inconvenient time. Like right now.
My word this year was story, and I’ve done a miserable job of writing my own story. I’ve allowed others to hold the pen while I dictated. Too many words were lost, others deleted, still others transcribed poorly. It’s time to take back the pen.
It’s going to be slow-going for awhile. There are things I can’t change yet and more things that are entirely out of my control. But no more crashing. It’s too exhausting.