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Dec 12 2009

It’s hard when a part of your past life dies

I had my concert today. My incredibly difficult solo went poorly, and by poorly I mean “pissed down my leg in front of God and the whole world.” I’m putting my flute away for awhile. I have one last obligation next week, then I’m done for the foreseeable future. I’m too embarrassed to play in public again right now, and tomorrow at church I get to see all the people who heard me.

All that said, that wasn’t the worst part of the day. A has been in hysterics all day because of his best friend moving away last month. And by hysterics I mean “sobbing at the top of his lungs for over 50% of his waking hours to the point of dry heaves.” He feels things so deeply that they are physically painful.

He and I both realized something today. An important part of our lives is gone and as difficult as it is, we need to accept it. I’ve tried to ignore it for ten years and he has tried to ignore it for several weeks. I’ll never be at the performance level I once was, and his friend isn’t moving back. Sucks to be both of us tonight.

Now, before I crash for the night, I need to go watch some brainless television. I need to get the sound of my failure and my son’s screams out of my head before I try to sleep.

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8 comments

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  1. Robin from Israel

    ((((hug))))

  2. ChiTown Girl

    Oh, sweety, this breaks my heart. I’m sending you BOTH some much needed {{{hugs}}}

  3. Missy

    So sorry to hear about this. I hope today brings a better day for you, even if just a little bit.

  4. Lynn from For Love or Funny

    Oh, I’m so sorry. Sounds like you both are having a really tough time.

  5. Nancy Campbell

    Sometimes, trashy TV is what you need. I bet tomorrow will feel better. So sorry about your rough day.

  6. cms8741

    One performer to another: don’t beat yourself up. Ain’t worth it. We’re all so wrapped up in perfection, but what does it mean anyway? And why is it important? Please don’t be too harsh on yourself — I know what it is like to be your own worst critic.

  7. Denise

    I’m so sorry. There are good days and bad, from what I gather you aren’t performing every week. I’m sure the boys were very proud to watch their mom performing.

  8. Shelley

    I’m sorry. And in terms of performances, we’ve all been there.

    “Never” is a long time. I’ve had adult students return to the flute after decades away. As mature adults, they bring something to their playing that they didn’t have in their young “hotshot” days: perspective. They usually play with a sensitivity that they could only have dreamed of in their younger years. May it be so for you, too, some day when the chaos in your life diminishes.

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