It has come to our attention that some of you have forgotten the principals by which this Department runs. So, on this Tuesday that feels like a Monday, some reminders. We suggest you post these in a few prominent places, such as the bathroom mirror, the coffeepot, and a tattoo on your forehead; Tats and Tats will be here this afternoon for the obvious purpose of tattoos. No discounts are available, payment must be made in full, no pennies please.
- Winter is long and miserable. Snow is cold. Ice is slippery.
- Mornings are of the devil.
- Coffee is to be praised; decaf is to be set on fire, spat upon, and used to frighten small children.
- Carpets professionally cleaned the day before another winter storm will remain annoyingly damp. They will also cause the Alpha Female of the household to lose her everlovin’ mind and tackle the dog with a towel whenever she returns from making peesicles.
- Moving across the country in the middle of winter with two children and a dog during the husband’s crazy time at work is a level of insanity by which bad comedies are filmed.
- Selling and buying a house at the tail end of a major housing crisis and then moving across the country in the middle of winter with two children and a dog during the husband’s crazy time at work is a level of insanity that has documentarians elbowing each other for the opportunity to film a woman at the brink.
- Starting a new job while selling and buying a house at the tail end of a major housing crisis and then moving across the country in the middle of winter with two children and a dog during the husband’s crazy time at work is a level of insanity that has Quentin Tarantino knocking; someone is going to meet a disturbingly gory death.
- Coffee be praised.
- Wine be glorified.
- Southern Comfort Manhattans be placed on a pedestal surrounded by candles and fragrant flowers and be sure to genuflect. Often. Deeply.
Please do note that the Department is aware of penciled-in additions to this list. By all means add your own, however Obvious and/or Redundant they may be. In the meantime, go refill the coffee cup, blow kisses at the wine, and give the dog’s wet paws the stink-eye. It’s gonna be a long day.
Love and kisses and hugs and squeezes,
The Office of All Things Obvious and Redundant Department
The moment the laundry Tower of Terror is finally conquored, the potty-training princess in pink painties is sure to poop herself.
Coffee. The elixir of life. True Abrosia!
Snort *gasp* guffaw *gasp* shriek *gasp* hoot *gasp* holler *gasp* bwahahaha!! *gasp* Ooops…just wet myself. Be right back…
Well, ahem…that was one funny post!
Hugs, Jen. Sorry to laugh at your distress.