Oh, I searched to find more freaky as hell stuff in my coupons today, oh how I searched. But the “could hold two small squirmy piglets” bra and the “for the truly unsexed” mens jeans just couldn’t hold a candle to the freaky baby and the creepy monkey of previous weeks. Maybe I’ll hit the jackpot next week. Actually, I know what I need…hmmm…wheels are turning, there’s a slight scent of smoke in the air, I must be thinking…
But instead, let’s look at how the times are a’changin’. Are you familiar with the Vermont Country Store catalog? I’m sure you’ve gotten one in the mail at one time in your life. I usually get mine in the fall, in time for the holiday gift-giving season. I love flipping through the pages, imagining days gone by. The long nightgowns, the old-fashioned favorite candies (OMG! Chuckles! I haven’t seen those in ages! But where are the vanilla cream drops?), the vibrators…
<insert sound of scratched record here>
Jen, did you say vibrators? Yes, indeed, Google Searchers, I said vibrators. I will now also say dildos and “impo-aid”, AKA cock-ring. (Holy hell, the searches I’m gonna get off this post…) The Vermont Country Store catalog now has an “intimate solutions” section. Instead of hitting a home party, I can now order lube and vibrators and pubic hair coloring (really? pubic hair coloring? why?) from the privacy of my own home. So can Great-Granny (I don’t actually have a Great-Granny, but the fact that she and I could possibly share on shipping on the matching vibrators is going to result in an extra glass of wine tonight).
I heard about this a few weeks ago, in the midst of the Virus That Will Not Effing Die (and it’s close cousin, the Virus That Returns From The Dead, is trying to visit as I type), and forgot all about it. Until about ten minutes ago, when I started typing and desperately needed something to type about and now I’m sitting here giggling like a 12 year old boy.
Oh, the times, they are a’changin’. I have to agree with the proprieter’s outlook on sex and aging, that as the population ages, they’re still gonna want a little boom chicka wahwah and aren’t really going to go out to a sex store or host a home party (though I’d really recommend Slumber Parties, ’cause they’re a riot and a great excuse to have girlfriends over for drinks and laughs. Oh, and sex toys.). But to see the “intimate solutions” in the comforting, black and white pages of the Vermont Country Store catalog brings out my inner 12 year old. I’m thrilled that such a catalog is providing this service for its aging clients, but really, it makes me laugh. It’s so modern and jolting in an old-fashioned catalog where I can still buy Tired Old Ass Soak and beautiful old glassware. It would be like going to Great-Granny’s house, putting away her soft old towels, breathing in the scent of her fresh soap, and finding her (ahem) personal pleasure device. My eyes, my eyes!!!
Good for you, Vermont Country Store. Good for you, for stepping out on a limb, taking the criticism and the (giggle) laughs. Just, bring back the vanilla cream drops. Those things rock.