Oh, just putting “detox diet” in the title and first line is guarandamnteeing that the Google freaks and Twitter bots find this and spam the hell out of this post.
Uh, sorry. Where was I?
Oh yeah. Detox diet.
There’s no bacon on a detox diet.
This is the third time I’ve done this particular diet, and I’ll tell you that it does not get more fun/pleasurable/tasty each time. But I do learn something new every time I suffer through it. Observe:
- 2008: I learned that I had a significant gluten sensitivity and if I wanted to be able to function in any manner, eliminating gluten from my diet might be a good idea.
- 2009: I learned that I really, really hated the detox diet and that caffeine addiction is not something to screw with unless you have an IV drip of pain killer handy for the withdrawal headaches.
- 2010: I’m learning that I must reallyreallyreally love my husband to do this, because he’s he one doing the full diet and I’m just along for the ride to support him. I’m not doing the gag-inducing vanilla-flavored baby-powder-texture shake, I’m not doing the handfuls of supplements (though I do have my own), and I’m sure as hell NOT giving up caffeine (see 2009).
Several weeks ago Tom finally went to see my acupuncturist. He had a cough that would.not.quit. This was at the tail end of our Winter Of Hell (Now With More Stress!), and his body was weak. His doctor said there was nothing really wrong with him, just a mild virus. Uh-huh…my doctor said there was nothing really wrong with me either, and then I collapsed from exhaustion. But I digress. Tom had this cough. Non-stop cough. Body-wracking, window-rattling cough. I considered smothering him in his sleep, but he didn’t cough at night and trying to sneak up on him while he was working wouldn’t have been terribly effective. And then it would have fallen under the whole “premeditated” thing, so I had to drop that plan.
He’s doing much better, and is now doing this detox diet to help speed along healing and health. He’s also a MUCH better person than I, for I have yet to hear him complain about it (a slight whimper about bacon was detected this morning, though), whereas I was a vocal bitch the moment I started it the first time.
So I’m doing it with him, and it’s not fun. We’re at the stage now of being essentially gluten-free vegans. Beans, beans, and lots of beans. <insert fart jokes here> Quinoa. Fresh fruits and veggies. Can’t have tomatoes, but apparently potato chips are ok. Whew. Agave nectar in the coffee is ok, agave-based tequila is not. Darn. Rice. Dried fruit. Raw nuts. Almond butter, not peanut butter. Gluten-free pasta. No butter, no margarine, olive oil ok. I can’t imagine trying to do this diet in the dead of winter, when there is no fresh produce in season. I miss wine, and I’m sure that’s going to get more intense every day. I don’t need to do this diet with him, and he’s certainly watched me in previous years while snarfing down forbidden foods, so why exactly am I doing this?
I chub-rubbed through a pair of denim jeans. I thought they fit great, but apparently the inner thighs were just a wee bit too close together, and they wore straight down to skin. I suppose I’m lucky they didn’t catch fire. I mean, I want a hot ass, but I’m not sure that’s the way to get it. So I’m using this time of detox to kick start some weight loss. I’ve been packing on the pounds for the last two years (since going gluten-free and probably getting more nutrition from my food as my stomach has healed) and I’m sick of it. Because I’m so tall I hide it well, but I see it and I feel it and I don’t like it. I used to have lovely collarbones and now they have disappeared.
So all that said, pass the blueberries. And the cherries. And all the other awesome fruits that are finally in season. Time to indulge in nature’s candy.
Because nature’s winery is off limits.