where wildly different is perfectly normal
Spring has finally sprung
Spring has finally sprung

Spring has finally sprung

Know how I know spring is finally here?

Is it the leaves on the trees? No.

Is it that I’ve finally purchased (and Tom planted) my spring flowers/vegetables/ground cover? No.

Is it that, holy hell, the boys are out of school in a matter of days? AGH! No.

The solicitors are out.

So, as a public service to anyone considering coming to the House That Chaos Built, let me outline Jen’s Rules for Selling Crap On My Doorstep.

1. 1. My basement is already finished.

2. 2. No, I don’t want an entertainment book to support a wheelchair basketball team I’ve never heard of.

3. 3. Strangely enough, the HOA requires us to have our backyards landscaped damned near immediately and we’ve been here almost five years, so…do the math. I’ll help…NO!

4. 4. If you’re going door-to-door looking for houses to clean, I don’t want you cleaning my house.

5. 5. If you think I’m going to buy organic vegetables mail-order from someone ringing my doorbell, you need to go back to smoking whatever you’re growing with those vegetables.

6. 6. If you’re wearing a Scouting uniform and are polite and articulate, I will actually buy your cookies/popcorn/Christmas wreath.

7. 7. That also goes for High School Band Members selling something for that trip to Disney World. BTDT, actually do have the t-shirt. And don’t dick with me, I know your director.

8. 8. And, no, for the love of all things sweet and holy and good, I am NOT going to buy meat off your truck!


  1. I just tell them we are vegetarian — it seriously started with the meat truck dude — and my kids laughed so damn hard (I was cooking a roast or some equally meat smelling meal when the moron showed up) — then like 2 days later some dork wanted to paint our address on the curb… told him we were vegetarian and he apologized for bothering us and walked away — well we all nearly blew beverages out our noses — it’s been ongoing, we tell them all, painters, windows, jehovah’s witnesses, and the meat guy that we are vegetarian, they almost always apologize for having bothered us and walk away, then when they are about halfway down the driveway, you can actually see their body language reveal that they just got it, nothing about being a vegetarian has anything to do with new storm windows! I did have one “college painter” catch on right away and tell me one had nothing to do with the other, I proceeded to bs my way about all the animal byproducts in paint and she bought it, standing there in front of my painted door on my porch of my painted house, giggle.

  2. I only buy magazines from these people – and only if they’re porn.

    However, sometimes these solicitors are unclothed…

    …and sometimes they aren’t even selling anything.

    I live in a shitty neighborhood.

  3. Open Word, type No Soliciting, Hit Print, find tape, affix to anyplace close to doorbell.

    Laugh as they squint at the sign and walk back down your driveway. Or laugh as you look out the window at them and wave, because you know damn well they read the sign.

    I had to call the cops last summer because some freaks were pulling some scam in my neighborhood, they were caught. A woman dumped a box of baking soda all over my porch because I slammed the door in her face. So, if you see a woman with baking soda approach your door, do not open it.

  4. OMG! I love momumo’s vegetarian line! I might just have to use it.

    I also wholeheartedly agree—polite girl scout/boy scout/cub scouts….I’ll buy ONE of your stuff.

    Kids selling stuff for the school (overpriced wrapping paper and baskets) uh…yeah, not gonna do it. I’ll show you my tax bill and how much I ALREADY get raked over the coals for the school system. And I’ll let you know I homeschool and do not take advantage of ANYTHING my tax dollars go towards.

    Hmm…..that’s *IT!* Why didn’t I think of this before. Why I think I’m going to set up a “Patrick Homeschool Academy” fundraiser. We’ll go door to door, give people our best puppy dog eyes, tell them the school building is filled with asbestos and black mold, and ask for money.

    I’m onto something!

Whaddya think?

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