So. You have found out a kid in your life is twice-exceptional! Congrats…kinda. You’re in for one helluva ride…definitely. You have no idea what to expect…certainly.
There’s no need to fear! ChaosMom is here!
Sorry. Underdog reference. No idea why that popped in there. I’ll try not to do it again.
Now that you finally have an idea of what on God’s Green Earth is going on with your kid, now what? What’s the next step?
Beats the hell outta me. We’ve known for some time that A is 2e, and I’m still fumbling around in the dark. That said, there are some things to keep in mind. Ooh! A list!
- Every twice-exceptional kid is different, in different ways. They are more unique than snowflakes, change more often than a supermodel, and Charlie Sheen is more predictable. What works for one kid may not work for another, and what worked for you yesterday may not work tomorrow. Fun, yes? (No, not really) The fun compounds when you have more than one 2e kid. Then you’re just juggling fiery chainsaws and hoping for the best.
- Asynchrony is the name of the game. Your 10 year old kid thinks like a 20 year old, reacts like a five year old, feels compassion like a 50 year old, and runs around like a 10 year old. This is normal. Mostly. You’re not dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde here, just asynchrony. The tough part is reacting to the age your kid is currently displaying, especially if several ages come whipping past, one after another. That is mental parenting whiplash, and the only cure is a quiet room and a glass of wine. Straight-jacket optional.
- I have to laugh when I describe twice-exceptional as “exceptionally gifted and an exceptional pain in the ass.” I have to laugh to keep from screaming, and in every bit of humor there is a nugget of truth. But, as you’re dealing with the alphabet soup of diagnoses that come with 2e, don’t forget the exceptionally gifted part. Feed that gifted wiring, in whatever ways it begs to be fed. You know your kid, you know what lights him or her up. Feed that. Watch your kid come alive and not be hindered by the various challenges s/he has.
- But. Don’t forget this is a kid. They need to run and play and be ignored by their parents (no, really; I’m not their playmate, they don’t need me every minute of the day, and they’re perfectly capable of entertaining themselves). They will act like a smart-ass kid…which then gets difficult because now you’re wondering “is this an asynchronous age issue, or did my kid just mouth off to me like other kids his age?” Hey! A little bit of normalcy! (What is normal, anyway? Setting on a washing machine, nothing more).
- If you think your kid needs accommodations at school, ask for them. Nicely. In fact, before school even starts, sit down with the teacher with a list of what works for your kid. We did this last fall and shaved three months off of Learning What Makes This Kid Tick. If your kid needs more than simple accommodations, good luck. I have zero advice on IEPs or 504 plans…though I strongly suspect we’ll be investigating those in the future. Bake something for the teachers, be a presence in the school, be nice. The teachers have more on their plates than you’ll ever know, and they’ll love ya for being on their side, especially as you’re asking them to be on your side.
- Get.Your.Kid.A.Mentor. Why? Dude, besides the fact that it’s someone working with your kid on something he or she loves, it gets you off the hook for a little bit every week. And every kid needs an adult other than a parent or teacher interested in their lives. I was that mentor for so many kids when I taught flute lessons. It’s important. And then somebody who
gives a damn aboutUNDERSTANDS the inner workings of a computer will be happy to listen to your kid ramble on and on and on and their eyes won’t glaze over.
- Assemble resources. Need OT/VT/tutoring/therapy? Ask around for referrals. Create your own little posse of professionals. They will make your life easier.
- Finally, find your tribe. We’re out there, other parents of 2e kids. We’re hiding in plain sight, but if you use the gently probing key words, you’ll find us. We just don’t talk about giftedness and its wiring and the complex challenges of raising 2e kids with random parents because they just don’t get it. And unless you live it, you don’t get it. You can find us buying wine by the box, coloring the grays, and screaming when alone in the car. There’s always room in the 2e Parenting Clubhouse, and you need others with you on this journey so you don’t feel so alone.
So. There ya go. Welcome to the club. We’re all in this together, so pull up a chair, pour some wine, and let’s toast our incredible twice-exceptional kids.
now where’d I leave my damn coffee.
I am so new to the understanding of 2e that I’m still trying to identify my child’s (age 9) brilliance area. She tested “genius” but is not writing screen plays (or complete sentences); not solving multistep story problems (or her times tables); not internally driven to do anything besides read voraciously, play computer games, or pet the durn cat.
I do, however have a constant sense of trying to keep up with her, simultaneous with frustration at her unpredictable social skills.
I am hoping to nurture the spark, and find a mentor for her through the ongoing process of identifying her “exceptional” area. And would LOVE to find my tribe. I’m already tired of the defensive responses when I casually explain we pulled her out of 3rd grade because she is a nontraditional learner and PS wasn’t serving her well.
Thanks for this great post. Would love to meet other 2e parents via twitter too: @KristaBurdine
Krista, gotta tell ya, my oldest has no CAN’T MISS IT brilliance area. Trust me when I say I doubt the 2e label nearly daily. “THAT is gifted?” goes through my mind more than I care to admit. Honestly, she sounds a LOT like my 10 year old, and you sound a LOT like me. LOL! I’m not pushing, he’s PULLING! 😉 It’s all wiring-observing, interpreting, and responding to the world.
Your descriptions sound eerily familiar. You’re in the right place for 2e, that’s for sure. Join some #gtchat conversations on Fridays, it’s all tribe all the time. I’ve met so many helpful people who GET IT.
We had a great year this year in school, with a teacher who went above and beyond, even as he was telling me that “public school isn’t set up for this kind of kid.” Worried about next year, as A has been described as “the most complex kid I’ve ever seen” by one teacher.
Glad you came by!
Awesome. Love it. Charlie Sheen is more predictable = brilliance. 🙂
Great post! Good information for all. I have one 2e kiddo and another we suspect is just TAG. Some days, we can use all the help we can get.
Some days, there’s just not enough help in the world. :/
That’s why there are margaritas.
And the angels sang. 😉
I find the box of wine is a necessity with my 1e child(ren). Thanks for your blog, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone muddling through this!
LOL! You’re very welcome.
And today I’ve moved on to margaritas. It’s been that kind of day. 😉
OK … so how did you finally settle on 2e and not just gifted in all its glory? I ask because I’ve waivered between whether my son is just an intense gifted kid or whether he might have a smidge of the implusive/active side of ADHD as well. I’ve read more than my fair share of books, articles, websites, blogs, etc. on the subject and it seems like gifted covers so many different areas with the excitabilities, so much of it overlaps. Just curious about your journey to that point. 🙂