Another 25 Things I Want My Sons to Know

My dear boys, I realized I had more to tell you. Hunker down at my feet, young ones, and feed upon my wisdom.

1. Remember that every person you meet, nice ones and mean ones and pretty ones and plain ones and every color of the rainbow ones, every person was once someone’s baby. So when that person is driving you batshit crazy, just think of him/her as a baby and hold that image in your heart. It helps.
2. Always say Gezhunteit when someone sneezes.
3. When you thank someone, for anything, look into their eyes and smile. So few people do this, and when you do, people remember.
4. Accept compliments gracefully and humbly.
5. Give compliments selflessly and genuinely.
6. Remember we’re all on this rock together. Good, bad, ugly, right now Earth is all we have and we’re all here together.
7. Don’t fart in an elevator, but dear god if you do, don’t giggle about it. People will know it was you.
8. Fart around dogs or potty training children instead.
9. Just because I love Cards Against Humanity or Family Guy doesn’t mean I’m racist or homophobic or insensitive. It just means I have a healthy sense of the absurd and love to laugh. That’s come in handy raising you two.
10. When things are hard and miserable and there appears to be no end to it, remember that all things do eventually change and you might even look back and laugh at it all. Or maybe not. Most of 2011-2012 is still a raging shitstorm of suck for me.
11. Pro/con lists are vastly underrated.
12. If your significant other asks, “Does this make me look hippy?,” fake a seizure. Nothing good ever comes of this question or the subsequent argument discussion.
13. Never, ever ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you personally see the head exiting the body. Even then, you should probably act surprised. Unless you’re the father, at which point being surprised by the pregnancy is likely to get you killed in the delivery room. Don’t fuck with a woman in labor, she can rip a car in half with her bare hands and burn holes through walls with her eyes. Trust me on this.
14. Don’t drink cheap booze. Have some self-respect, man!
15. Cheap table wine from Costco or Trader Joe’s is acceptable, however.
16. I’m sure you’ve probably noticed by now that you have been afflicted with the following family-heirloom curses:
    1. When leaving on a trip or vacation, you will need to return to your home at least once for something you’ve forgotten, something that you really do need. Hint: it’s usually sunglasses.
    2. You will find yourself with a refrigerator groaning with condiments. Salsas, olives, but especially mustards, they will take up at least one full shelf and two-thirds of the door. Any efforts to cull the herd just pisses them off and they reproduce when the light goes out. The same goes for salts in the cabinet; at one point I had 25 different varieties.
    3. Bad back and/or knees and/or jaw/shoulder/neck. This is why #14 is on this list.
17. Never hang wallpaper with a significant other. There is no Netflix in prison.
18. Marry your best friend, but have other friends too, so you have someone to talk to when your best friend pisses you off.
19. Do something every week to show your SO how much you love them, even and especially when you don’t want to.
20. It’s one space after a period, the Oxford Comma is law, and if you screw up an apostrophe, may god have mercy on your eternal soul.
21. NO CHRISTMAS MUSIC BEFORE SANTA SHOWS UP ON THANKSGIVING!
22. Things are not always what they seem. So before you go getting your knickers in a knot, get more information and make sure it’s accurate. Then and only then can you fly off the handle (or not). You can avoid a lot of drama this way.
23. Self-care is non-negotiable. Sometimes you just really need to take a mental health day. Do it too often and it’s not self-care but a sign you need to re-evaluate your life.
24. You may not think a clean toilet is important until you have food poisoning and you have your face in there projectile vomiting for 18 hours.
25. You are not where you go to school, or what you do, or what you drive, or how much money you make. You’re not even the aggregate of the five people you spend the most time with, though that is important. Quite simply, you are how you treat other people. The world would be a much better place if we all remembered that.