Boys, you’re at an age when you should start learning some things from your parents that may not have been covered previously. Yes, we’ve made sure you were potty trained before school and that seatbelts are non-negotiable, but sometimes the details get missed. So, before I succumb to old age and further child-related memory loss, here are 25 things I want you to know.
- First and foremost, you can’t go wrong with Wil Wheaton‘s internet advice: Don’t Be A Dick. I know you’ve heard me say it, many times, but seriously dudes, live those words. If you’re about to do something and don’t be a dick pops into your head, you probably shouldn’t do it.
- Odd-numbered Beethoven symphonies. The evens are meh.
- Even-numbered Star Trek (original series) movies. The odds are meh.
- The correct viewing order for the Star Wars oeuvre is 4-5-6-1-2-3. However, your father makes a compelling case for 4-5-1-2-3-6. We will revisit this after the next set of movies have been released. Stay tuned.
- Spend money on quality, especially if it’s something you’re going to get a lot of use out of. This includes shoes, computers, and mattresses.
- If you ever say the words yes dear to a significant other in any way other than in a joke both of you appreciate, that significant other has my full support in trying to smother you in your sleep. I’ll provide bail and everything.
- Own one killer suit (please see #5). Have it altered to perfectly fit your body. You never know when you will need to impress a boss, a potential investor, or a future spouse. Spend for quality and it will last for years.
- Learn to play an instrument. We’ve given up this battle with you as kids, but I do hope as adults you’ll come to your senses and pick up something. I don’t care if it’s piano or a banjolele, play something. It makes you more interesting.
- For the love of all things noodly, get out of your comfort zone. That doesn’t mean search out the dangerous, but life is meant to be lived, not for sitting at a computer all day. That makes you boring.
- A finely crafted obscene joke is an art form.
- Knowing when and where to share it is a life skill. Learn it.
- If you don’t laugh at Mel Brooks movies I will refuse to acknowledge our shared DNA.
- Read. A lot.
- The most important card you will ever have in your wallet is a library card. The complete knowledge of the world is in that card. Yeah, you’d think a computer and the internet would have that covered, but when you go through your broke college stage, which we all do, a library card is free and can get you onto a computer and the internet. Plus there are books. Lots and lots of books. Please see #13.
- It’s ok to change your mind, just be ready for any consequences from that. This includes changing college majors, careers, and relationships.
- With #15 in mind, every single decision you make affects other people. Don’t let that rule your life, but never forget it.
- Be kind. Or I’ll find you and smack you upside the head.
- I will probably embarrass you several times as you navigate your teen years. It will not always be intentional. Let’s call it payback for your toddler years, m’kay?
- Tip at least 20% for services.
- Respect the people who keep society running while you’re tucked in bed all snug and warm and snoring. This includes, but is not limited to: custodians, nurses, police and EMTs, and the woman pouring coffee at the all night diner. This list is greatly increased if you live in New York City.
- It’s ok to make a mistake. It is not ok to keep making the same mistake or refuse to learn from it. Please remember #16.
- You will always see the world in a different light. You’re just wired that way. That doesn’t mean others are wrong, it just means sometimes you need to shut up and listen.
- Learn to cook at least one seriously impressive meal, one you’d make for a date. This is in addition to the five breakfasts/lunches/dinners you should probably also know how to prepare. For the love of god, don’t survive on microwaved burritos and mac and cheese; your digestive system deserves better than that.
- Always shovel the elderly neighbor’s driveway and sidewalk. Always.
- Whatever you do, wherever you go, I will always have your back. I may not like it, I may bitch about it, but I will be your rock until my dying day.
- BONUS! Karma is real. Don’t be a dick.