I was having a conversation with Andy the other day, discussing what life skills he would need to have to be a productive adult in today’s society. He eventually just sighed sadly and said, “Life is hard.” I managed to convince him that life is complex, and that’s ok, and that he’d be fine.
But life is hard. Damned hard. It’s hard for everyone, and sometimes hard takes over and that’s all you can see.
We’re finally moved in and settled. And, on cue, my body looked around, saw everything was pretty much cared for, and screamed “I’m off duty, bitch!” as it went careening off track. The last several weeks have been one day after another of I don’t give a shit about anything anymore and why am I so tired? and well, that didn’t get done again today and I can’t continue to live like this what the hell is going on?
Several doctor visits and lab tests later and still no real answers. My thyroid and iron levels are lovely (they smiled and winked at the doc), I don’t have Lyme disease, and other blood tests all came back normal. Right now the two contenders are sleep apnea, chronic fatigue syndrome, or both. Imagine my delight, but not surprise, as I’ve collapsed from exhaustion at least twice in recent memory. I won’t be surprised if the answer is both. My first thought in the morning shouldn’t be “I can’t wait to go to bed tonight” after a solid 8 hours of passed out dead to the world sleep and my last thought at night shouldn’t be “oh god please let me wake up rested for a change.” I feel like my days are passed in a knot of just get through this even though you’re exhausted and can barely function. There’s little joy in anything these days and yes, I am back on anti-depressants. They’re helping, but it’s only been a few weeks and the exhaustion isn’t doing much to help manage what I’ve finally acknowledged to be a permanently whacked-out chemical imbalance in my system.
But wait! There’s more! My unconscious habit of sleep-clenching my teeth until they crack has landed me square into root canal land! Jealous? The ibuprofen I was pounding because of the tooth pain (and resultant sinus headaches) ripped hell out of my stomach (as did the antibiotic for the accompanying tooth infection), which did nothing for my worsening depression (there is a gut-brain connection) and continued exhaustion.
But you look so healthy! Invisible is not fictional, folks. I’m bloody miserable. Life is passing me by and I’m too tired to much care. Or rather, I do care but am too exhausted to do anything about it. Because if I go out and seize the day and do something about it I’m on the couch the next day snoring after lunch or walking into walls as I bitch at my family for breathing.
In the next several weeks I have an appointment with a dentist (joy…rapture), a neurologist (for a sleep study), and a gastroenterologist (the stomach pain isn’t just because of ibuprofen and has been going on since last summer, and so help me if he insists I go back on gluten so I can have a proper endoscopy for celiac I may lose it in his office). I can’t accept “it’s just stress” anymore. Yeah, I have a lot of stress, but when you look at it objectively it’s not as much as in the past and I’m managing it a lot better. Something else is making it unnecessarily harder.
This is all a very long-winded way of explaining to the two remaining readers of this blog that 1) I’m not dead, just unable to function right now, 2) word making hard and funny no there now, 3) what energy I have is being spent living in real life (for example, I’m soloing with our wind ensemble in a few weeks, and I’ve been practicing like a fiend in preparation), and 4) if twice-exceptional is gifted plus something in a person’s wiring that interacts and interferes with that giftedness…well, then I might need to start considering how that may be playing out in my own personal wiring, especially given the family history.
But that’s a thought and a post for a different day. Today my energies are being spent towards just living IRL.