It’s been no secret that the last few years have been hell here at the House of Chaos. Not End of Days hell, but maybe moderate or a wee bit more hell. A B++ or A– level of hell. Regardless, it’s been rough and I think (ohpleasesweetbabyjesusonapony) we may be through the worst of it. That previous sentence will either come back to haunt me or is delightfully prescient. This is the year that things finally caught up to me and it hit home that my stress will, in fact, kill me if I don’t strangle it with both hands. At one point I evaluated myself with the Holmes Rahe Stress Scale; a score over 300 indicates high probability of stress-related illness. I took it several times, on several different websites. My scores averaged out to about 425. And this was just a listing of life events that could cause stress, not my actual reaction to it. How the last three years have not killed me is testament to the power and adaptability of the human body. I’m much better now. Better living through chemistry and all that.
My point, and I do have one, is that any New Year’s Resolutions I would have made at the beginning of 2009, 2010, 2011, or 2012 would have made things worse. Just another way to fail and beat myself up. Instead in 2011 I picked a Word of the Year on which to focus: strong. It was a good word for a very, very long year in which I needed to be stronger than what was being thrown at me. Even now, when I look at life’s chaos through that word, I feel stronger and more capable. My word for 2012 was grateful. This one was much more difficult for me. It’s hard to be grateful for anything when you’re caught in a downward spiral of depression and anxiety, when you feel your life is entirely out of your control, when you have to fake it to make it. I’m grateful to have made it to the end of 2012, happy and healthy and no longer in that downward spiral.
So what to choose for 2013? I started pondering mid-December. Truth was on the list, but didn’t really grab me. Yield and flow were strong contenders for awhile, because sometimes I think I just really need to just yield and go with the flow once in awhile. Then it occurred to me that I’m in the fix I’m in, staring down 40 with no real direction in my life, comes from yielding and letting the flow direct me a little too much. I’d had enough of that, thank you very much. Then it smacked me upside the head. Chose me, if you will.
Enough. Or rather:
Lowercase, with a period at the end. A quiet, firm statement that says volumes. I’ve had enough. lack of focused direction. I’ve had enough. crap from people, places, and things. I am enough. just as I am. My over-the-top complex twice-exceptional homeschooled son is enough., though please child, you could be just a wee bit less once in awhile, you’re wearing mama out. I have enough. in my life. There is enough. to go around. enough.
It’s a good word for me. I’ll be 40 this year (good Lord, how did that happen?), and I’ve had friends tell me they hit their limit at that age too. I just don’t feel like putting up with any more crap. I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m through with a lot. I’m done. enough.
It’ll be interesting to see how the year evolves, won’t it?