Back to the gym

2011 may be 10 days old, but I finally returned to the gym. And for the first time, I was in the gym rat position, trying to welcome all the unfamiliar faces as new members of the tribe and not as neophytes hogging the equipment. Didn’t so much work. So instead of focusing on the desire to punch someone in the spleen, I directed my mind to thoughts on the gym.

• Don’t talk to me. Unless you’re my trainer, just don’t. If I’m upstairs in the weight room, I don’t want to talk. I likely haven’t showered yet, I look like hell, and I’m concentrating on what I’m doing. A “hi, howya doin’?” is acceptable, a nod and smile in the locker room fine. But anything beyond that is too much. Besides, chances hover around 100% that I’m working on a blog post in the back of my mind, and if I talk, I break that concentration and lose the post. And that is guaranteed to piss me off.
• If you come in from the pool to pee, seriously…do I even need to say it? Dry the damned seat. I know it’s just pool water, but I don’t want a wet ass. Share this little tidbit with your kids, too.
• The corners of the running track are NOT stroller parking. Just remember this and don’t get all pissy when I move your stroller to lay out a mat for stretching. Space is tight up there, so either take the stroller to the new mom workout class or leave it in the car.
• Please don’t stare. Yes, my t-shirt does say “Band Camp Blows.” You may be staring into space, but it’s in my direction and I’m self-conscious enough, thankyouverymuch. This does not apply to me, however. If I see that one hot guy in the visor working out, bet your ass I’m gonna watch. He may be 15 years my senior, but eye candy is eye candy. Fully aware of the hypocrisy.
• Reason #9281 I don’t like group workout classes: teachers yelling Wooooooooo!!!!! They do it to keep the class revved up and working hard. It doesn’t rev me up, it makes me stabby. If I want someone yelling Wooooooooo!!!!! at me, I’ll search out tickets to the Jerry Springer show.
• There are many, many different forms of aerobic activity. I prefer brisk walking. But if you run past me, wheezing like an out of tune accordion with the mental thoughts of “I hate this…Please kill me” so strong I hear them, perhaps you should investigate a different form of cardio. Just sayin’.
• Wipe down the equipment when you’re done using it. I don’t like sitting in my own sweat, I sure as hell don’t want yours joining the party.
• I know women are all open and stuff, but lady, please get dressed before doing your makeup and hair. You’re in fine shape, but suddenly there’s nowhere to put my eyes and if I pull out my iPhone to check the time I could be arrested. Put on some clothes.

Hm. I sound a bit crabby. You know what would help? Chocolate. Think I’ll have some.

Because I went to the gym today.