where wildly different is perfectly normal
Dark Karma
Dark Karma

Dark Karma

You know, it’s almost getting comical. Things just keep getting more screwed up here. I went back through my recent posts to see how much whining I’ve been doing, and I’m sad to say, quite a bit. There’s not a lot of laughing at chaos lately. There’s been a lot of railing at the heavens and wondering which unheard of diety I pissed off. Illness, general societal malaise, winter blahs, sunburn, and snow days. The last several weeks have been just wonderful (choking on the sarcasm here?).

I have to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things we’re in good shape. We’re happy (usually), healthy (for the most part) and have a roof overhead. But it’s the little things that are getting to me. Nothing earth-shattering, merely soul-bruising. Things like finding out we owe an unholy amount in federal taxes this year, after years of getting a refund. A refund that really would have come in handy this year to pay off the medical bills from A’s first endoscopy last fall. Things like losing my cell phone on Friday night because I had an Alzheimer’s moment and left it in the movie theater bathroom. Luckily I have a tenacious husband who went back Saturday morning and found it, saving me the time and trouble of replacing it…and having to put off my iPhone lust even longer. Things like getting a terse letter in the mail today, telling me that my services are not needed for the Colorado Mahlerfest this year. Oh, and thanks for your years of service. I don’t know whose shoe I pissed in, but when you need six flutes for the symphony and they let an experienced flutist go, someone is ticked. That one really hurts; it’s the only gig I play all year and feeds my soul for the other 11 1/2 months. I suspect that rehearsal last year hurt me.

I just feel like things have been happening at me lately, one after another after another. Not huge things, just little splinter-under-the-fingernail things. Painful but not debilitating. Please tell me I’m not alone in this! I strongly suspect I’m having a pretty hefty mid-life crisis, especially after getting that letter today. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing with this life of mine? I’m apparently doing something wrong, my karma is all screwed up. Nothing is going right lately. It truly feels like no matter what I do, it’s the wrong thing or it turns out wrong or it just doesn’t work out. The hell? I just can’t do anything right lately! It’s enough to drive a woman to drink! …too late… I’ve been trying to look on the bright side, but sometimes the bright side is just some dude mooning you with his big, fat, hairy ass. Even the thought of trying to improve something brings to mind the image of the mooning. Ain’t gonna work, Jen, don’t bother…and hey, check this out!

Aren’t y’all so happy I shared that mental image?

By the way, just so you know, it’s not marshmallow season. Just in case you were wondering. The boys wanted hot chocolate after playing outside and were disappointed that there were no marshmallows. J deduced that it just wasn’t marshmallow season. Nope, the marshmallow bushes just aren’t producing this time of year.

I have no plans to get out of this slump. None. And that’s a little frightening. Usually I have some sort of inkling of what to do, but this is an unusual situation. I’ve never been this rudderless. Ever. And I’m scared to death that I’m wasting my life.

I just know that marshmallows are now on my shopping list.


  1. Ugh. Losing the symphony gig is rough. I agree, I would call them, but rather suspect you are right, even if you did pull off the performance well.

    As for being rudderless, I empathize with that, too. It’s a little better now that I have the job, but I’m so busy now I feel totally adrift.

    Hang in there. If you keep pushing through you will find the answer eventually.

  2. i hear you–those times when there’s nothing major, but you still feel like ‘what’s the point?” Not fun. Hang in there–sometimes I think just accepting malaise and not fighting it helps it over with more quickly. that’s my latest theory, at least.

  3. Hang in there! Glad you found the cell phone. That would have been a pain in the butt to replace with all the numbers and such! I too would call the symphony too…. and maybe you can virtually stop by for some wine (on facebook chat) Too bad you are far away…..you could check out the new SLICE! (And play with it!) Hang in there….{{hugs}}

  4. bbginanp

    Ah, shit. That sucks a lot, honey. I wish there was something I could offer in the way of encouragement. It will pass. I know that much. It’s tough, and it stinks, but it will pass. Bad times come and go in cycles. Remember that. Good times do, too, only they seem to be shorter cycles sometimes. You have two beautiful boys who are a never-ending source of love and tenderness in your world. Hug them close. Know that it will get better and that something, perhaps from an unknown corner, will come along to give you the umph you need. Perhaps this is nature’s way of getting you to sit quietly for a while? Know that you have an enormous community of bloggers who care about you. Even that grumpy one in Maine…

  5. Oh Jen, I’m so sorry. I wish I had some great thing to say to ease the yuck for a moment – but I really don’t. Figures, huh? But I do NOT think you are wasting your life. Because you feel like you’re almost disappearing, I’m guessing that means that you are a perfectly selfless mom…even if you don’t see it. And you are hysterical – even in the dark times. And wow it would really suck to be all blah and not be funny at all…those poor folks have no hope. And seriously, just when it seems like it couldn’t get any worse, one of your cute little boys may just pee in a baggie in case his toes get cold. Hang in there!!

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