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Oct 30 2009

Dear Friday Fragments

Friday Fragments?

Dear So and So...

Dear Mother Nature,

Are you feeling better after your little hissy fit? Eighteen inches in a 36 hour period shows, after it was 85 ten days ago shows true cajones. So nice of you to let the sun out to play this afternoon. Just, Ma, please recall what I said this summer: if you’re going to give us 65 and rainy in July (which you did, you psycho bitch), you’d better pony up 65 and sunny in February.

Smootches,

Jen

*********************************************************************

Dear Rosie,

You are the greatest dog in the history of dogdom. But you could knock off the shedding already? The carpets need shaving. According to Ma Nature, it’s winter and you’re going to need all that fur to keep you warm. I mean, you poor thing, you went out the last couple of days and discovered that the snow went up past your short little legs. Low undercarriage, you know. I know vacuuming more often than once a month would probably help, but the vacuum is terrible. It was terrible before you came home with us last year, and now it’s really pissy that I make it work harder. So help me out and hang on to the hair. You’re getting a pedicure and bath tomorrow, that’ll make it ok, right?

Love,

Mama Jen

**********************************************************************

Dear Vacuum,

Bugger off. You suck when you shouldn’t and don’t when you should. I hate you.

Jonesing for a Dyson Animal vacuum,

Jen

***********************************************************************

Dear husband of mine,

I love you. We’ve been together for 16 years this month, married for a little more that 13. But right now? The stress pinned in the red zone and actually straining to move past it…sigh…is alimony cheaper or an office outside the house? Think about it…or I may smother you in your sleep and decide for you.

Fluffing my pillow,

Jen

************************************************************************

Dear Howard the Headache,

Yes, you’ve been irritating me all day. Yes, I took you to two elementary school Halloween parties today. And, yes, I’ve been sending ibuprofin your way all day. But, really, the bungee jumping from base of my skull into my shoulder blades is a bit much, even for you. Piss off.

Searching for the acupressure point,

Jen

************************************************************************

Dear Halloween,

I am wearing a costume. I am myself in an alternate universe. What you see is based on your reality, not mine.

Hand over the peanut butter cups and no one gets hurt,

Jen…or is it?

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  1. Alixandra Hice

    OMG! I am dying of laughter and about to meet Steve the Stomach Ache.

    You are hilarious, Jen! Why am I just now finding your wonderful blog?? I follow a lot of them, but THIS one is such a breath of fresh air and a very fun read. You’ve got style chica. So glad I followed you here from Kat’s to read your Dear So and So’s.

    I’ll be back!

  2. ChiTown Girl

    This exactly how I needed to start my day – with a good laugh!! I hope your head is feeling better.

  3. Kat

    In the words of Chris Rock, “You have never been in love unless you have seriously considered murder!” πŸ˜‰ Know the feeling.

  4. CorrieHowe

    Hand over the peanut butter cups…I’m with you. You’re brave to threaten your husband in public. Better hope he doesn’t die in his sleep. πŸ™‚

  5. Tendrils

    LMAO! You’re lucky I haven’t poured the first glass of merlot yet tonight, or it would have been all over my brand new computer monitor, and then I would have been writing a “Dear Jen” letter! πŸ™‚

    You need the animal dyson. It SUCKS! (Well, too! I might add! πŸ˜‰

    Enjoy your Halloween!

  6. Mrs4444

    Dear Jen,
    If you would brush me regularly, I would not be leaving hair all over the place. The Furminator works like a charm.
    Love, Rosie

    Hope you know I’m just giving you a hard time; we have the same problem with our golden; as you can imagine, the hair is incredible. We have a Furminator. The trouble is, we never use it.

    Happy Love Anniversary πŸ™‚

    Cute post πŸ™‚

  7. Mama Zen

    These are hilarious!

  8. Theresa

    Perhaps I can form a coherent thought after I finish LMAO.

  1. Dear Friday, it’s Fragments!

    […] communication skills are, how do you say? Craptastic. They resemble my sucky vacuum that doesn’t. On your very first list of Important Dates, there was a Pack meeting last night. Apparently I […]

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