On the advice of my dear Facebook friends, I am getting my sarcastic snark out before I sit down and write a polite bullet point list about my house. I was afraid that if I wrote it out and left it on the counter for the next showing I would not only lose a possible sale, but would very likely end up in a padded room. And there’s no wine in a padded room.
See, if you hadn’t noticed, there is a school (GASP!) directly behind my house!!!! Oh my God, the unending horror of an elementary school! A place of learning, for children ages 5-10. Humans that age really are the scum of the earth and should be avoided at all costs. And a large number of them? God only knows what they might conjure up. The could rise up against their adult overlords and take over the neighborhood! Throngs of knee-biters on scooters and bicycles, terrorizing nearby homeowners, laughing and being merry and enjoying life. And we can’t have that, can we?
Never mind that this is one of few affordable houses in this golf club community with unobstructed mountain views. There’s NOTHING to block that purple mountain majesty. There is a large park with a community pool right there, an inline hockey rink, baseball fields, and a ginormous open field for flying kites, kicking soccer balls, or playing flag football. But. Oh.My.GOD. There is a playground rightthere. You might see joyful children! Playing! Even on the weekends. Makes the heart stop in fear and terror.
Summers? Delightful. The fang-bearing children return to their home caves for three months, bringing relief to local homeowners, who can then emerge from hiding. In May there is a large balloonfest, hosted by the town and golf club, and the balloons often fly directly over the house. One year my husband got to ride with a friend and checked out our roof from the basket. In July the golf club presents the Front Range’s Largest Fireworks Display; fireworks blast off directly west of the backyard, giving us our own personal and traffic-free fireworks display.
But what about the other nine months of the year? The ones when the blood-sucking children return to the hallowed halls of learning, threatening your well being and life itself? Dearest househunters, you must have plans to stay home all day and shake your fists, for it’s a non-issue. School starts at 9:00 am and the holy terrors are released into the wild at 3:30 pm. If you’re working outside the home, you may very well never see a joyful child. Imagine that. All the benefits of no homes behind your house and mountain views and fireworks and fields and breathtaking sunsets and sunrises and you might not have to be confronted by a child.
So, dear, dear househunters, kindly reconsider your current cranial-rectal inversion. We have lived in this home, close to the ungodly hell known as an elementary school, since before the school opened. Never once have we had a problem of any sort. Children do not climb the fence, they do not cross my yard, they do not bother my dog, they do not irritate us in any way. Unless you have windows open, you never hear them. Imagine that. It is a NON.ISSUE.
In closing, to the 12 househunters from whom we’ve received the feedback of “great house, great price, don’t want to live so close to a school” kiss.my.ass. To the one from whom we haven’t yet received feedback, I hope and pray you haven’t gone cranial-rectal on me, and will call today with an offer. To any others who may come to see our house, guess what? There is a school (GASP!) directly behind my house!!!
And it is the perfect neighbor.