where wildly different is perfectly normal
Dear So and So, I’m all Fragmented
Dear So and So, I’m all Fragmented

Dear So and So, I’m all Fragmented

Mommy's Idea

Dear So and So...


Dear Princess the PMSing Laptop,
This is the last coin I drop on you, got it? You’re getting TWO brand-spankin’-new 160GB hard drives, doubling your space. You’re getting upgraded to Windows 7 ONLY because it uses less RAM than Vista, and I’d like you to actually, you know, RUN. I’m sticking your expensive, worthless ass under the tree with a bow, ’cause your repairs are now my Christmas present instead of the vacuum I strongly suspected my husband was getting me AND THAT I DESPERATELY WANTED. And be warned: my birthday is in September, and with all the Back to School specials that run that time of year, you may find yourself out on the street. My Computer Guru is a nice guy and not charging me for all of the gazillion hours of work you’re causing him, only some of them. By the time you get back, I’ll have been almost 2 weeks without you. I just can’t quit you, bitch.
Repairing you ONLY because it’s cheaper than a replacement right now,
One ticked off computer-less woman


Dear Ma Nature,
Lots of letters to you this year, but you’re on Santa’s Naughty List for the craptastic weather of 2009. It’s been colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra lately and frankly, I’m sick of it. The utility bills are sure to induce great suffering on my part and lots of hollaring about “turn off that light!” and “put on a sweater, I don’t care if you’re already wearing three!” and “you can turn on the fireplace when your lips are a darker shade of blue!” And we’re not even to Colorado’s traditional winter months yet. Just give me a pleasant spring and warm summer and all will be forgiven.
Shivering with her green tea already cold,
The one with pale blue lips


Dear psychologist who specializes in gifted kids who Tom and I are meeting this afternoon:
Pleaseohplease be able to help us. Things are not improving and I can’t keep having sob fests in the middle of the day. My eyes are still swollen from the breakdown on Wednesday. I will homeschool A if that’s the best fit for him, but I’m terrified beyond words of doing that. Our best hope is that the charter school we’re supporting will be approved on Wednesday, otherwise that’s a distinct possibility. Please help us help our son, and strengthen our family. I’m tired of being this worried.
Crossing my fingers,
One exhausted mom


Dear self,
Quit trolling Craigslist looking for jobs, and just get off your ass and start your own. You know you want to, you know you’ll be good at it, you know it’ll work. Just.Go.Do.It.Already. You know you wouldn’t be happy working for someone else, especially given how crazy your family can be (see above letter), so create your own career and get going. OH, and a few other things. You shouldn’t have looked up that house online, because now you can’t get it out of your head. You know better than to search out dream houses, because then you find out it’s within the realm of possibility and you never want to move again, remember? Also, your library books are due today and there will be late fines unless you renew them. You don’t want late fines on some 50 odd books. Finally, the concert you’ve been practicing for is tomorrow and then you can relax. Please remember to NEVER EVER AGAIN AMEN agree to play such a difficult piece at the holidays. You’re no longer anything resembling a professional flutist, you’re solidly an amateur and don’t have the stamina for the practicing that goes along with such a hard piece. And go make more hot tea, for crying out loud. It’s cold in here.
Talking to myself,


  1. How did the meeting go? I really hope you’ve found your fairy godmother, suitably garbed as a respectable, trained, psychologist.

    PS Am in serious awe of your organizational abilities. That blackboard rocks. Of course if it were in my house it would be buried under a huge pile of crap on the dining room table and we’d never see it again. Sigh…

  2. You’re so funny. I especially enjoyed the “witches tit in a brass bra” fragment, as I had never heard the second half of that.

    Hope the appt with the dr. went as hoped and that that bitch of a laptop earns her keep!

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