Wow. You know the SNL Target Lady sketch? You know, one of the top 5 most annoying female characters ever created, the one who comments on every.single.purchase. coming down her conveyor belt?
Yeah, I ran into her today. At Costco. It was not pleasant.
I feel somewhat guilty shopping at Costco in the current economic climate. I know that, no matter what I do, it’s going to be a $100 cover charge every time I walk in there. And I’m not buying frivolous things; today I grabbed things like a case of soy milk and pullups and shredded mozzarella for the gluten-free pizzas I’m going to make and stick in the freezer. And the maple sirup (yes, I intended to spell it with an “i,” it’s Webster’s original spelling and the preferred spelling of my favorite sirup).
So I’m checking out, and the checker is checking and the boxer is boxing (Yes, for the love of all that is bulk, I want a box. Lots of boxes. Stop asking. I don’t want several individual little boxes flying around the back of the MomVan. Can you just attach that request to my membership card or something? I’m sure you already have a thick file of my purchasing habits), and the maple sirup comes across the scanner.
Scanner: “Wow. That is some expensive sirup!”
For realz? You just commented on the cost of something I’m buying?
Me: “Uh, I drizzle it on real light, and when I can order some this spring from the maple grove where we got married, I’ll stock up ’cause it’s cheaper that way. And I don’t like the corn syrup in the other syrups out there.”
Scanner (totally oblivious): “I could never spend that much on sirup. My kids get the King Soopers brand. Lite.” (Yes, she emphasized the word “lite.”)
Oh my freaking God. Lady, have you ever looked at the label of that stuff? Can you pronounce the ingredients? That crap is high fructose corn syrup, water, caramel coloring (which is usually not gluten free, so screws me there), and big words that are out of place outside Chem 101. Maple sirup? Sugar water from a maple tree, boiled down til it’s syrupy. And WTF is with commenting on my purchase? Yes, maple sirup is expensive as hell, which is why I’m saving a buck and buying it here! (Dude, are the maple groves on strike or something? ‘Cause the cost of sirup has jacked up sky high in the last few months. My pancake-loving boys are soon going to have to donate to the cause if they want more than peanut butter and jelly on their flapjacks).
At this point I’m staring at her, the boxer is staring at both of us, and she’s totally out to lunch.
Probably dreaming of my maple grove, where sirup runs wild, as nature intended.
Don’t forget the “Only in Iowa” contest! You still have a few days to drag your mind through the gutter!