1. Play piccolo. It’s loud, you can’t miss it, and there’s only one in the ensemble. That way, when you piss down your leg repeatedly, everyone knows it was you.
2. Practice the part, working on the hard licks most. Lather, rinse, repeat. Practice time is limited, due to children, various responsibilities, and the fact that the ability to concentrate for longer than thirty seconds is attached to a protein that is apparently in the placenta, gone forever after giving birth.
3. Eff up the exposed piccolo riffs in rehearsal so many times and in so many ways that the conductor asks what he can do to help. The only acceptable response is “I’ll have it by the next rehearsal.” Duck down behind the music stand to avoid the daggers being stared at you by the 100+ person ensemble. Call husband at the break to order him to put a bottle of wine in the fridge, no, it doesn’t matter what kind, as long as it is cold and already open when you get home.
And now, I must get back to that
self-esteem bashing bitch piccolo.