A whole lot of life, actually, and while none of it was terrible, my utter inability to manage it in a healthy way certainly didn’t make it any better.
It’s felt as though every aspect of life lately has been under attack. Career, finances, mental health, physical health, you get the idea. A lot has fallen by the wayside as I’ve tried to cope, things like self-care. That’s ironic, given that I’m writing another book, this time about the self-care and needs of the parents raising gifted kids. Tasty, tasty irony. But self-care really is always the first to go, and I know I’m not alone in that.
A few weeks ago someone was telling J that he needed to take time to be creative every day, because that fed him and made him him. I almost burst into tears, just one of many times that I’ve almost burst into tears in recent weeks. I’ve been awfully close to tears a lot lately, for a lot of reasons. I can’t remember the last time I did something creative, just for me, that didn’t involve a commitment of some sort. I haven’t touched any of my scrapbooking materials since we moved to Illinois, three and a half years ago. Actually haven’t touched it much since I packed it up four years ago in preparation for that move. I also don’t exercise, don’t meditate, and don’t take time for myself that isn’t required (or isn’t a commute). Yes, I do know how unhealthy this is. At least I’m aware.
Life has gotten stale and boring and I’ve not only allowed that to happen, I’ve actively made it that way. Trying to keep all the flaming batons in the air I’ve cut back on things I enjoy to avoid getting singed. And so it’s been one day after another of “do this and gotta get here and the kids have to be there and my brain is too fried now to do anything and it’s time for bed and I gotta get up the next morning and do it all again.” No way to live.
Today is day one of NaBloPoMo. This will post just under the wire for November 1st, but it’s going up, and I plan to post every day for the next twenty-nine. Given the flaming batons in my life right now, I have no idea how I’m going to pull this off but I will. Last year I bailed before the month was out, partly because my blog was the victim of a DDOS attack and was knocked offline, and partly because I was so sick of trying to write I couldn’t continue. This year I have a different plan, to tell the world to bugger off, I’m writing. Really only one flaming baton right now absolutely has to stay in the air (it’s influencing all the others), but the others can manage without me for a bit every day.
Life is going to keep happening at us here, and I’ll continue to cope as best I can, but by god this next month I’m going to start finding myself again.