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Random mom ailment #132: Carpool Ankle
Random mom ailment #132: Carpool Ankle

Random mom ailment #132: Carpool Ankle

Symptoms: A weakness in the right ankle, a “funkiness,” felt mostly when ascending and descending stairs, walking, chasing children. Occurs usually in the right ankle, but if the carpool vehicle is a manual transmission, the left ankle may be afflicted as well.

Cause: Long periods of time spent shuttling children hither and yon, most often to schools and various therapies. The twisting motion of accelerator to brake, repeat ad nauseum, is thought to contribute to Carpool Ankle.

Those most at risk: Carpool Ankle afflicts mostly mothers, though fathers and other caregivers are at risk if enough time is spent behind the wheel shuttling children.

Diagnosis: Carpool Ankle is a diagnosis of elimination. If there was no recent injury, no butt-kicking using the afflicted ankle, and no recent occurrence of “foot in mouth disease,” AND there have been long hours spent behind the wheel shuttling children, then it’s likely Carpool Ankle.

Treatment: Complete and total rest of the afflicted ankle, preferably up on a feather pillow. The patient will have a much higher incidence of recovery if a glass of wine and gentle foot rub are also included in treatment.

Comorbid afflictions include, but are not limited to:

iPod ear: A ringing in the ears from turning the adult music and podcasts up loud enough to drown out the unending Star Wars arguments discussions and crappy kid music from the backseat. Treatment includes getting better headphones.

Bumspreadism: An enlargement and spreading of the backside due to long amounts of time behind the wheel shuttling children. Treatment includes getting said bum to the gym.

Mustbeanadultitis: An cramping of the left hand (though in other countries it may be the right hand) to avoid flipping off the other idiot drivers while shuttling children. Treatment includes going to one’s happy place.

Vehiclebruxism: The much gnashing of teeth that occurs when the children being shuttled ask for gum or mints for the eleventy billionth time in under a mile. Treatment includes chomping on the gum the children being shuttled were told was not available.

Treatment for aforementioned ailments is much rest, silence, and wine. Actually, that is the preferred treatment for all that ails ya.

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