where wildly different is perfectly normal
The following things will not cause brain damage
The following things will not cause brain damage

The following things will not cause brain damage

Dearest offspring,

I’ve looked around, taken stock, and have come to the conclusion that you need a refresher on all things related to, ohhhh, life. Grab a #2 pencil and some paper; you’re gonna wanna take some notes.


The following will not cause brain damage:

  • Changing the toilet paper roll.
  • Successfully “hitting the target” inside the bowl.
  • Pulling out the coiled snake AT the commode, not before.
  • Wiping up the rabid dog toothpaste drool from the counter.
  • Feeding the dog.
  • Cleaning up the dog’s land mines.
  • Putting clean laundry into the designated drawers, as opposed to wedging everything into one.
  • Doing homework at Afterschool Club.
  • Acquiescing to simple, non-threatening requests from the elder members of the household.
  • Closing the front door.
  • Closing the back door.
  • Turning off lights as you exit a room.
  • Closing what you have opened, opening what you have closed.
  • Searching for nutritional sustenance without defrosting the large, white appliance that keeps things cold.
  • Making a request of the elder members of the household in a tone of voice that does not remind one of a squished grape.
  • Smiling for photos.
  • Reading something other than Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, and Bone.
  • Watching something other than Garfield, Sonic the <mothereffin> Hedgehog, and any other mindless crap you’ve discovered hidden in the bowels of the Roku (note: this does NOT include Stickin’ Around, which you can watch all you want, and I don’t just say that because your dad’s cousin created that show).
  • Holding in gaseous emissions, from both north and south.
  • Speaking in a well-modulated, volume controlled voice.
  • Drifting into sweet slumber before the elder members of the household.
I hope this oh-so-brief list helps you, dear children, and reassures you that your brain is safe here.
Love and kisses,


  1. You have obviously kidnapped my children!! I demand you return them, but only once they’ve learned this list. 🙂

    BTW, I have to add that things do not magically fly back to their original compartments. Whatever fairy did that has been laid off in the current economic downturn. So, for heaven’s sake, put whatever you take out BACK where you found it!!!

  2. Amy

    I feel the need to get new blinds & curtains as it seems you were watching my kids when you wrote this list. May I add that actually looking for something that is lost ie:Shoes, jackets & anything a teacher may have sent home.

  3. NOT saying everything that pops into your head, including describing every move that your battledome pet makes on Neopets or every card you get your hands on in Race to the Galaxy. Seriously, kid…can you be quiet for ONE minute?

Whaddya think?

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