The following things will not cause brain damage

Dearest offspring,

I’ve looked around, taken stock, and have come to the conclusion that you need a refresher on all things related to, ohhhh, life. Grab a #2 pencil and some paper; you’re gonna wanna take some notes.

Ready?

The following will not cause brain damage:

• Changing the toilet paper roll.
• Successfully “hitting the target” inside the bowl.
• Pulling out the coiled snake AT the commode, not before.
• Wiping up the rabid dog toothpaste drool from the counter.
• Feeding the dog.
• Cleaning up the dog’s land mines.
• Putting clean laundry into the designated drawers, as opposed to wedging everything into one.
• Doing homework at Afterschool Club.
• Acquiescing to simple, non-threatening requests from the elder members of the household.
• Closing the front door.
• Closing the back door.
• Turning off lights as you exit a room.
• Closing what you have opened, opening what you have closed.
• Searching for nutritional sustenance without defrosting the large, white appliance that keeps things cold.
• Making a request of the elder members of the household in a tone of voice that does not remind one of a squished grape.
• Smiling for photos.
• Reading something other than Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, and Bone.
• Watching something other than Garfield, Sonic the <mothereffin> Hedgehog, and any other mindless crap you’ve discovered hidden in the bowels of the Roku (note: this does NOT include Stickin’ Around, which you can watch all you want, and I don’t just say that because your dad’s cousin created that show).
• Holding in gaseous emissions, from both north and south.
• Speaking in a well-modulated, volume controlled voice.
• Drifting into sweet slumber before the elder members of the household.