I’ve looked around, taken stock, and have come to the conclusion that you need a refresher on all things related to, ohhhh, life. Grab a #2 pencil and some paper; you’re gonna wanna take some notes.
The following will not cause brain damage:
- Changing the toilet paper roll.
- Successfully “hitting the target” inside the bowl.
- Pulling out the coiled snake AT the commode, not before.
- Wiping up the
rabid dogtoothpaste drool from the counter.
- Feeding the dog.
- Cleaning up the dog’s land mines.
- Putting clean laundry into the designated drawers, as opposed to wedging everything into one.
- Doing homework at Afterschool Club.
- Acquiescing to simple, non-threatening requests from the elder members of the household.
- Closing the front door.
- Closing the back door.
- Turning off lights as you exit a room.
- Closing what you have opened, opening what you have closed.
- Searching for nutritional sustenance without defrosting the large, white appliance that keeps things cold.
- Making a request of the elder members of the household in a tone of voice that does not remind one of a squished grape.
- Smiling for photos.
- Reading something other than Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, and Bone.
- Watching something other than Garfield, Sonic the <mothereffin> Hedgehog, and any other mindless crap you’ve discovered hidden in the bowels of the Roku (note: this does NOT include Stickin’ Around, which you can watch all you want, and I don’t just say that because your dad’s cousin created that show).
- Holding in gaseous emissions, from both north and south.
- Speaking in a well-modulated, volume controlled voice.
- Drifting into sweet slumber before the elder members of the household.