I figure there are two kinds of people in this world: Halloween people and non-Halloween people. Halloween people start planning the holiday on November 1st. Their costumes are elaborate, the house decorations even more so. Pets are subjected to humiliating costumes. They give out good candy, have haunting music playing for trick-or-treaters, and more than likely to have a mummy or moving coffin on the front porch to cause the kiddies to pee their pants. Halloween people.
I am not a Halloween person. I really don’t much care for the holiday. I usually make a half-hearted attempt to decorate and come up with some sort of costume, but this year half-hearted became half-assed. There are two pumpkins on the front porch, uncarved and undecorated, purchased yesterday at King Soopers. There is a trio of plastic light-up pumpkins in my living room, unplugged and ignored. And that’s it. Costume? I’m wearing orange and black striped socks that say “witchy feet” and a black shirt. I just.don’t.care. Oh, the boys have half-assed costumes and I’ll take pictures of them, but that’s about it. My mom used to sew us costumes and did a great job. J is going to be Bob the Builder, a left-over A costume from three years ago. A is going to be Captain Underpants. That was a tough one. How do you make a half-naked superhero warm enough to go trick-or-treating in freezing temps? Layers and long-underwear and a long fleece cape. They’re still young enough to not give a damn, but this is likely the last year I can get away with that.
So, as I down my second and not nearly last cup of coffee, allow me to share something truly scary for this Halloween season.
Dick Cheney reading porn.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you’ve probably heard something about steamy novels and Republicans this last week. The latest shot in this war of words is Lynne Cheney’s novel “Sisters”, which apparently features a lesbian love affair. So Tom, my darling and amusing husband, vamps on this theme last night (when you’re exhausted you get punchy late at night). And eventually ends up, in his spot-on Dick Cheney voice (really wish I could figure out how to insert sound clips!), imitating DC reading porn. I’m having too many instances of wishing I had a Magic Eraser for memory, ’cause that’s going to be with me for weeks. ; )
So you all have a great Halloween, and stay warm. It’ll be a whopping 30 degrees tonight for trick-or-treating. Those of you in warmer climes, you have no idea what it’s like to beg for candy in sub-zero temps. Me, I’m staying inside and handing out candy. I have just decided it’s the Daddy’s job to haul cold little boys around the neighborhood in sub-zero temps. If I have to go up and run the kindergarten Halloween party this afternoon, I’m going to need to recover in a warm house with a large glass of wine this evening. Just sayin’.
And one more time…Dick Cheney reading…no…acting out porn.