It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling for some time, trying to sort through everything the universe has thrown at me the last three years or so. While things are a bit calmer now, for awhile there it was one really big thing after another. I’m still reeling from a lot of it, and keep expecting that things will finally calm down: whew, made it through that, now things will get back to normal.
Only…well, you’d think by now I’d have learned that normal is just a setting on a washing machine and nothing more (and my washing machine doesn’t even have a normal setting). I’ve finally kinda sorta almost accepted that notion with A and his outlier ways, but I haven’t been able to apply that simple thought to me, to my own life. I just keep thinking that once things settle down, we can return to normal, better defined as “how life was in 2008, before we hit a slippery slope and descended into the fiery abyss that was 2009-2012.”
Ain’t gonna happen.
This morning, while perusing Facebook, I came across this little gem. It’s a bit Boulder Woo-Woo, but one particular segment really grabbed my attention:
It is time to seriously be committed to learning to let go of the past and focusing solely on the Now. Your Now is creating your Future, so stop thinking of your Past in your Now and trying to Recreate the same…
I’ve spent entirely too much time trying to return to life of four years ago. We’re never going to be in that place again, and dwelling on it is simply making me miserable. All I can see is what we no longer have, that much of it will never return, and how much I dislike the difference between Then and Now. In many ways, Now is better than Then: A is so much happier as a homeschooler, J is thriving, we get to see family much more often, Tom has a new job and is the happiest and most relaxed I’ve seen him in several years.
It’s time for me to change, to join them in the Now. This crazy, messy life is MY crazy, messy life. My Now (homeschooling, working several part time jobs, always feeling slightly out of control) won’t return me to the normal of past years, but will take me somewhere new and different and exciting. It’s not too unlike having children; you will never return to the normal before giving birth, you just accept the Now and move to the new normal in the Future.
This won’t be easy for me as I’ve fallen into the unfortunate habit of
sulking deep thinking about the past, and it’s done nothing to propel me forward. But I’m going to try. I’m going to work on focusing on the Now so the Future is a new, better, and exciting one. The Past normal is never going to return, and I have to accept that and move on. I have to forgive myself for mistakes I’ve made in the Past, embrace the Now, and turn towards the Future.
I know I’m not the only one. Who’s with me?